Yeah, yeah, yeah…Apple announced the iPhone 7 and a ton of other things yesterday. Open the flood gates and bring on the deluge of [CTRL+C] [CTRL+V] announcement posts from around the world hours later. For the record, I think The Verge had the best coverage. Especially their liveblog (Casey Newton is a riot).

So, I was just sitting in my chair, fighting the urge to hurl insults at people complaining about the death of the 3.5mm jack, when I started to wonder whether or not I’d buy any Apple products this year. Well, how expensive they are going to be when our friends in Computer Village ship them to this neck of the woods. That’s when it struck me that all fingers are not equal, and different kinds of Nigerians will buy the iPhone 7/7 Plus at different prices.

These are the first 6 that came to mind.

1. Are you a Nigerian who earns in Dollars (or some other currency that isn’t in a race to the bottom)?

You’re fine, then. Carry on with your life. The iPhone 7 starts at $649 and the iPhone 7 Plus starts at $769. Go and flourish.

2. Are you a Nigerian who actively practices religion?

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JACKPOT. Your government is convinced that God has come down to fix the dollar price at N197. He does not want his people to suffer, so he will not “kill the Naira”. Just collect your $1000 allowance, and wait until you leave the country before you give Apple your money. Depending on which camp you belong to, you could get the $649 iPhone for N127853 and the $769 iPhone 7 Plus for N151493. (If you are smart, you will take your entire family along for the Pilgrimage, so you can buy more than one iPhone and come home to sell).

3. Are you the President of the Nigerian Association of Smartphone Makers (NASM)?

If this is you, then you will not be getting the new iPhone. You will not be getting any phones produced in China. Do you know that Nigeria loses [insert random number] billion Naira every year to the continued importation of smartphones? Your next step will be to reach out to the government to “come to your aid”. This aid will take three forms.

First, they will give you a “grant”, then they will give you special forex rates (N199 = $1) to import silicon chips, gyroscopes, displays, etc. so you can come and assemble the phones here, then they will ban the importation of smartphones. Don’t mind these corrupt Nigerians that like importing luxury products with our precious forex. Next step: reach out to a certain Senator and start a harebrained #BuyNaijaToGrowTheNaira campaign.

4. Are you a Nigerian *named Aliko “Alhaji Putin” Dangote?

Then you have nothing to fear. You are kukuma the owner of the country. We are but tenants, living in it. You can buy the iPhone 7 for whatever price you want. Just remember to buy one for me. Epp. Plis.

5. Are you a Nigerian Oil Marketer?

smiling at money 1

Then you get dollars to buy at N285. To buy the $649 iPhone 7 or the $769 iPhone 7 Plus, you’re going to have to part with between N184965 and N219165. (It doesn’t matter anyways because, oil money.)

6. Are you a Nigerian business?

Then all you care about is the comparison between the price of the iPhone 7/7 Plus and one of your (completely unrelated) products. Clap for yaself.

Meanwhile, some of us are here saving up to upgrade from our Blackberry Curve 3

I concluded that I’d buy all of them (< thread) if I had the money, but I don’t. Epp.

Osarumen Osamuyi Author

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